Posts

When panic attacks set in.

Ever since I can remember, I've had anxiety. Even as a small child I can remember having fears, insecurities or doubts. This was just a part of Courtney and I didn't know any differently. Although it has always been a part of me, it's still one of the hardest things I've dealt with as a child, teen and into adulthood. BUT I NEVER knew panic attacks until I was dating the man I would eventually divorce (here's your sign.) But, I didn't understand what they were. I had heard of them before, but didn't know that's what I was experiencing. I thought I was just weird & tried my best to play it off and ignore it. I already thought I was defective enough as a woman, that these panic attacks just proved that even more in my mind. I already had low self worth, low self esteem and low confidence at this specific time in my life that these panic attacks just escalated those feelings for me.  Who in their right mind would want a girl that every single

21 and divorced.

When you grow up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and you dream of your future, it's always inside of one of the beautiful temples and its always a forever thing. You never imagine that one day you could be standing alone, in the dark, in a place you never thought you'd be. You never imagine that something that is supposed to last forever, doesn't. This is where I found myself in 2009. Just one short year after being sealed for time and all eternity. At the young age of 21.  Flash forward to last week.... as I was packing up my house I came across some paperwork from that dark time in my life. It brought back a flood of emotions and memories.... memories that aren't beautiful. Memories that hurt and that I allowed to cause me a lot of pain. It reminded me what a hard time that was for me. I've always felt like I've had to be a strong person, but this time in my life truly tried to take me down.  Sometimes in life it is the very dar

The speaker didn't work!

To you, the person reading this:  Raise your hand if you've ever allowed fear to immobilize you and keep you from moving forward in life?  Raise your hand if you have ever allowed your fears to keep you from reaching your full potential? We all have fears , don't we? Last year, after my little boy was born, I really thought life could not be more perfect!  I had my two kids, they were healthy, they were happy... life was good.  Until a few weeks had passed and I became super sick.  I had some major health issues, including horrible pain in my back.  I just chalked it up to that, "I had probably tried to do too much" and went on my way.  Well, the pain not only didn't stop, it got progressively worse!  That's when I decided it was probably smart to head to my doctor.  They took a few quick tests.... to which the doctor basically came running back into me and said (in her own words), "If you do not get to the ER right now, you WILL die!!!"

Christmas & Humility

This time of year is so magical.  The sights, smells, lights, presents, family parties, Santa, wrapping paper and all the things that go along with the Christmas season are around us at every turn.  It is so easy to get caught up in the worldly celebration of the word, Christmas.  It's so easy to get caught up in giving and receiving gifts, eating yummy food and going to family parties.  But, what is not always easy about this time of year, is actually taking a step back and recognizing why it is that we celebrate Christmas. "To catch the real meaning of the 'spirit of Christmas' we need only drop the last syllable and it becomes 'The spirit of Christ'" Thomas S. Monson Anyone that truly knows me, knows I can be a bawl baby when it comes to the Gospel.  I have to pray really hard before I give a talk so that I don't cry through the whole thing.  But, truly thinking of the Savior, "being born in a lowly stable because there was no room f

5 years since dads death, 5 lessons learned.

Today marks five years since my dear dad passed away.  Five years?! To say it's been an easy five years would be a complete lie.  But to say that the last five years have been completely miserable would be a lie, too.  I've experienced tender mercies of the Lord all along the way. Since it's been five years, I want to share five important lessons I've learned since my dads death. God loves us perfectly "Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely.  Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly.  Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely." - Dieter F Uchtdorf I often hear of people who, once something bad happens in their life,  blame everything on God.  They truly believe that if such a thing could happen in their life, then God must not love them.  I am here to tell you that that is a complete lie! I see how the easy way out for me would have been to believe that God didn't love me, bec

Competitive

Ever since I can remember, I've been competitive in nature.  I loved to play in a good game of soccer or softball and experience that feeling to be the very best I could be, to prove what I could do.  I loved to run a race against my friends, and even if I didn't win, still feel the need to push myself to be the best I could possibly be.  I loved to plan, prepare and do the things I had been taught during practice and then to actually execute what I had learned during the game. When I was young, the two people I wanted to prove myself to were: my mom and my dad.  I wanted to be proud of my accomplishments and I wanted my parents to be proud of me.  Nothing mattered more to me than to make my parents proud.  Probably more than I cared about what I thought, as long as they were proud then that was enough. Many people like to say that being competitive is a bad thing, but I don't agree with that.  As I've grown older, I've learned through trial and error to ch

Comparison.

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  I love this quote by Theodore Roosevelt and have had a lot of thoughts in my head about why he would say such a thing...  Why is this quote so popular and why did he feel the need to say it? Well, It's because it happens all.of.the.time. Many people feel the need to constantly compare their lives to others. Comparison can come in all shapes and sizes.  People will compare how to properly parent, how to look good, how to take care of a home, how to have a good relationship, how to work, how to play, how to cook, how to be religious, how to clean and just about everything you can possibly think of. Comparison is toxic. It only leads to one of two things:  1.  Judgements towards the people around you who do not deserve it.  & 2.  Negative feelings about yourself that should not be there. Therefore, Comparison IS the thief of joy.  There is no way we can have joy in our lives when we are comparing our lives to others. After losing my father very s